I'm Not Okay I Promise
by xSweetiePiex
Summary: Ryan decides he's given the Cohen's more than enough trouble. There's only one thing he can do. Based loosely on the My Chemical Romance song. Complete.
1. Running

**This is a story I'm working on called "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" about Ryan running away. This first part is very short.. but the next parts should be longer. I don't own anything... and this is rated K for right now. Please review!**

It was a bright Saturday morning in Newport Beach. But today was special. Different. It was Ryan's 18th Birthday.He woke up to _My Chemical Romance_ blaring on the radio.It was his favorite song"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)." It related to his life so much. He let the music seep into his soul.

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.  
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

The lyrics hit close to home. That was why he decided to do what he was going to do next. He didn't want to let the Cohens down. He had always tried not to disappoint them. It was definitly better to just leave. That way, no one got hurt. Ryan wondered why that idea made him a bit queasy. He sat down thoughtfully, and decided that he couldn't leave without writing a note. The last thing he needed was the Cohens trying to find him, or worrying that he wasn't okay.

_Dear Cohen Family,_

_I wish to thank you for all you have done for me. There is no way that I could pay you back for everything you've given to me. I'll try, but I know that I'll probably always be in debt to you. For that, I apologize. I really wish I could stay, but I've done nothing but mess things up for you. Before you even let me stay with you, my mom proved to be a source of public embarrassment._

_The whole thing with my brother is way too complicated and troubling to even talk about. But, that was my fault as well. You all have done nothing but constantly open doors for me. I can't take all your charity anymore._

_Hopefully, this note finds you happy to be relieved of your duty to me. In case you didn't know, I turned 18 today. Congratulations, you no longer have the responsibility of caring for me. Thanks for all you have done. I left all my stuff here. Maybe you can sell it to make back some of the money you've wasted on me?_

_Best Regards,_

_Ryan Atwood_

Ryan finished the letter and took a deep breath. This was the right thing to do. He was 18, an adult. He had to finally start taking responsibility for himself. He didn't want the Cohens to feel the need to keep taking care of him. He was worthless to them now. He just hoped he could make it out the door before anyone spotted him. Taking a deep breath, he left the pool house, taking one final glance back. Ryan said a silent goodbye to the people who had taken such good care of him. For only a fleeting moment, he thought that he might be leaving the best thing that he ever had.

**What do you think? Please review! Reviews make me very happy! Thanks! You guys are all so awesome!**


	2. The Cost Of Love

**Sorry this took so long to update! I hope you great readers have not completely forgot about this story. It's AU, by the way, because Ryan doesn't run away on his 18th birthday in the show. This is basically my take on how Ryan deals with getting accepted into college and his changing relationships with the Cohen family. So really, not _that_ AU, but still…AU.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The O.C. or any of the characters. No profit is being made off this.**

**Feedback: Please Review! Thanks!**

He held the acceptance letter from Berkeley in his hand for a moment. He gently handled the folded edges and read the words again. _We are pleased to announce your acceptance._ In a sudden outpour of emotions, he violently ripped the paper to shreds. He wasn't going to college, anyway. He couldn't afford it. There was no way he could afford it. He had to leave. If he stayed, the Cohens would insist on paying his way through college. He cringed at how much money that would cost them. Why did they want to spend so much money on him? He had read an article about the astronomical costs of raising a kid. Even though he only lived with them for 2 years, the cost rang well over $20,000. And that was just the necessities. That didn't include the designer tuxes, extremely expensive private school tuition, and bailing him out of jail. More than once. Ryan wasn't sure what the cost of love was, but it sure wasn't worth over $20,000.

That was why Ryan had to leave. He didn't **want** to leave… not really. He couldn't think straight. Everything had made so much more sense when he was alone in the pool house thinking. Now, he wasn't so sure of everything.

Maybe, if the Cohens saw the note, they would be angry enough to give up hope on him. Who wants to keep chasing after a (now adult) runaway? Or maybe, they would be able to just accept his leaving. Ryan tried hard to make the note sound distant, cold, and even a bit callous. He didn't want them to know how much it hurt Ryan to leave… or see the tear slide down his cheek. He needed to free them from his parasitical existence as the delinquent, not even "juvenile" anymore, from the wrong side of the tracks. They could never know how much it hurt him to just take off.

No more than five minutes later, Sandy came up to the pool house to talk to Ryan. He had seen Ryan's letter from Berkeley when he brought in the mail. He was hoping that Ryan would come to him or Kirsten, with either good news or bad. He was sure that the kid would get in, and Sandy came out to join in the celebration. Smiling, Sandy reached his hand up to the door, but then paused all of a sudden. Something didn't feel right.

Without completing the knock, the older man opened the door. The bed was stripped down and there was a pile of sheets on the edge of the bed. The place was immaculate; not a single thing was out of place. The pool house hadn't looked like this since…. Sandy gulped. Since before Ryan moved in. The thought sent a foreboding chill up Sandy's back. Then he saw the note.

He reached for the slightly crumpled piece of paper, almost ripping it in the process. His eyes scanned it once, barely picking up any words. He slowed himself down and read the note one more time. Sandy could barely believe his eyes. Had Ryan really ran away? Maybe he didn't get accepted at Berkeley…

At that moment, it didn't really matter what had happened with the college. It didn't really matter if he got in, or was denied entrance. All that mattered was that there was no way Sandy was going to let Ryan fade out of their lives, not again. Folding up the paper and sticking it in his pocket, Sandy headed out on his way to find his wayward young charge.

**Reviews? The next section will have some MAJOR Sandy/Ryan parenting moments!**


	3. Happily Grounded

**Sorry for the longish wait! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own The O.C. or any of the characters.**

**Feedback is much appreciated!**

Ryan walked slowly after he had left the vicinity of the Cohen property. He tried to take in every sight slowly and savor them. He thought of everyone he was leaving behind. Seth. Marissa. Summer. Even Sandy and Kirsten. He wondered how they would react to his note when or even if they found it. He hoped they would feel relieved of their burden. He hoped he hadn't hurt them. He was sure they weren't feeling as miserable as he was feeling.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

Sandy bolted to his car. His heart was pounding. He would never have guessed that Ryan was so close to running away. Maybe he wasn't around enough. Maybe he had failed his sons as a father. The thought practically sickened him. He knew he had been skirting on his responsibilities around the house with all the developments of the Newport Group, but he never fathomed it had gotten this bad. To not know that his own son had felt like there was no other option but to run away made Sandy heartsick with guilt.

With Ryan on foot and Sandy in the car, it wasn't long before Sandy caught up to the teen.

"Get in the car." Sandy's voice was heated as he pulled up next to Ryan, who was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't hear the car until Sandy spoke. The sudden noise caused Ryan to jump back in surprise.

Ryan stood there in shock for a moment. Sandy could tell the kid was thinking about running.

"And don't you **dare** think about running." Sandy's voice rose a little. "Now get in the car! Now." When he didn't get in the car right away, Sandy added a firm, "Ryan."

Ryan was definitely surprised. First, he didn't know that Sandy would find the note so fast. He also had rarely seen Sandy this upset. Even more rare was Sandy upset with him.

Ryan quickly obeyed, but refused to look Sandy in the eye. On some level, he was glad that Sandy had found him, glad that he cared enough to look for him. But Ryan would never let that side show.

Sandy was silent the rest of the way back to the house. He was a little surprised that Ryan didn't put up much of a fight. He hoped that this was because Ryan didn't really want to run away, and that it didn't have anything to do with Sandy's apparent anger. He wasn't, after all, angry with Ryan, he was just upset that Ryan would chose running away again over talking to Sandy or Kirsten.

When they pulled up to the house, Sandy got out first and wordlessly walked into the kitchen. Ryan followed.

"We need to talk." Sandy pulled out the folded letter from Ryan as soon as they were both seated at the counter. Ryan looked away. He wanted to take off again, but he felt he owed it to Sandy to explain. Obviously, the man did not understand where he was coming from, or that he was really doing this for Sandy's family.

"What's there to talk about?" Ryan spoke without turning his head back.

Sandy was taken aback by Ryan's nonchalance. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a moment. "So that's it?" He questioned. "You just want out of this family now? After all this time?" Sandy didn't understand. And Ryan wouldn't even look at him. He stood up and walked beside Ryan, forcing the boy to look at him.

Ryan averted his gaze quickly, but not fast enough. He caught the pained look in his foster father… no, not foster father… at least not anymore… well, in Sandy's eyes. "It's not that… It's not that at all. You… you wouldn't understand."

"Make me understand."

"I can't!" Ryan slammed his fist on the counter. Sandy stepped back involuntarily. "Besides, I thought you'd be happy…" His voice grew so quiet that Sandy could barely hear him.

"Happy? That you were running away?" Sandy replied incredulously.

"I wasn't running away."

"Than what would you call it?"

"I'll get a job. Take care of myself." _Pay you back._ Ryan said, thinking the last thing to himself.

"Just because you didn't get into Berkeley doesn't mean anything. There's other good school's you applied to. We still haven't heard from UCLA…" Sandy began, assuming that the reason Ryan ran away was because he didn't get into Berkeley. "Kid, you know how many colleges turned me down before I got into Berkeley? More than I care to relate, but I'll tell you…"

"I got in." Ryan said quietly.

"Wh-what?" Sandy was shocked.

"I was accepted."

"Than why… why did you leave?"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Ryan snapped.

"Get what? What's there to get? You're going to Berkeley next year and…"

"No, I'm not." Ryan's voice was level.

"Why not?"

"How the hell am I supposed to pay for it?"

Sandy resisted the urge to admonish Ryan's language. "We'll take care of that."

"And how am I supposed to pay you back?"

"Is that what this is about? Money?" Sandy was trying to stay calm.

"That's what everything's about! At least if I get a job, I can start earning more money. Maybe even pay you guys back a little…" Ryan looked away again.

"Pay us back? For what?"

"Everything! You know, I read this article that said it takes over $100,000 to raise a child…"

Sandy laughed a little. Ryan read too much for his own good. The thought that someone could read _too much_ was almost amusing. But Sandy had to be serious. "Kid, we're your parents! It's our job."

"You're my _guardian_." Ryan amended, as if that explained itself.

"You say that like it changes something."

"It changes everything. You don't have to do anything for me anymore. I'm not making you pay for college."

"We never _had_ to do anything for you… we wanted to. I love you, kid. So does Kirsten. And Seth." Sandy walked over to him. He put his hand on his back. "You're 18 now. But that doesn't change anything. You're my _son._ No piece of paper changes that."

Ryan looked up at Sandy. He wanted so badly to believe that he was right.

"You got into an amazing college, kid. Do you know how great that is?" Sandy looked down at him. "I'm not letting you throw that opportunity away."

Ryan didn't look convinced.

"You know what? You want to pay me back so badly?" Ryan looked up at Sandy. "Than I'll tell you what you can do. Go to school. Get an education. Deal?"

Ryan didn't know what to say. Sandy continued. "And Ryan?"

Ryan glanced up at him.

"You're grounded."

Ryan almost smiled, than caught himself. Sandy still wanted him to stay.

Sandy saw Ryan's almost smile. He was glad that Ryan still wanted to stay… and he felt very close to the boy right now. Ryan stood up with a mocked, "Yes, sir." And didn't pull away when Sandy slung his arm around his shoulders. This was perhaps the only time Sandy had ever seen one of his two sons… yes, _two sons,_ happy to be grounded. And this was probably the only time he'd ever be happy to be "punishing" him… But Sandy was still serious about the grounding. At least a little.

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